Kinda feeling, erm, well I don't wanna say it publicly, cos I don't want some people to know. Well, I guess T1A2 would know. But it doesn't matter if you know or not, cos the point is, it is a pretty shitty feeling. The world feels so scary and cold, I can hardly catch a breath. I can't find any warmth, that warmth that I was showered with in the past. I don't have the luxury to be what I really am everyday. It is a constant struggle to hide the real Nigel, hold him back, to avoid any casualties, targeted towards me most of the time. I don't think being my own self is such a crime though. If you could just come closer, you can hear shrieks and screams. 

It is so hard to confide in anyone these days, especially when people can't take you seriously, and most importantly, I can't take myself seriously. I can't find anyone though, not yet at least. Deep down, I know I'm trying too hard to cover up all the scars with my laughter. I feel like crying, but my tears always flow back the way it came from. But when I don't want to cry, they pour out like rain, always at the most awkward times. 

I'm not complaining or anything, as I know I don't have the right to since I'm not doing anything about it. I don't think I deserve it though, not all of it at least. I don't snatch little children's lollipops, I don't start wars, I don't push old ladies into the streets, I don't skip classes, I don't destroy people's properties. I don't know why I am so unlucky in every way. I believe everyone is cut out for happiness, but my own sad life is contradicting that idea. I have run out of patience, I am tired, I am still not _______.

Stupid, desperate and trivial to many, it still does say something about this 17 year old. I need something, someone, somewhere, sometime, where I can finally be feel it again, that warmth. I need that pillar of strength, but I still have to search for it. It is not easy, cos it is elusive, it is cloaked, it is within the crowd. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself, it would never there.