Friday, June 5, 2009 @11:48 AM
Been in a bad mood these past two weeks. I can't sustain that pissed expression in me, don't know why. Feeling so alone, pissed off, and disturbed at the same time, words can't describe how fucked up I feel.
I need people who should leave me alone to leave me alone, and people who should give a fuck about me to give a fuck about me. It has always been a problem since ever, whereby the wrong people keep on preaching to me, and the people who should care do not. By now, people who know who should know that I live by my own rules. My way of living isn't bad, not that it is really good, but at least I am satisfied. If I can't satisfy myself, I shouldn't care fuck about what other people expect of me. So what if I'm the older one in the family? So what if I should be more responsible? I don't care fuck about what people think I should be. Everyone thinks it is so easy to live my life, they think it is so sloppy, so lazy, but it is so not. I have my own problems, and these I can never ever resolve myself. But you know what? No one knows me enough to help me. I may be open and all, but still my problems are a lot more complicated than Einstein can imagine. It is just me against the world, no one by my side.
Trying to be who I am is getting so difficult nowadays, which is so ironic now that I am studying in a polytechnic. I am supposed to given the independence to manage my own life, and choose who I want to become. But no, some people just find it so so so painful to let me decide on my own. I want to live my life in technicolor, not in fucking black and white. If I can't live the way I wanna live, living is of no point in the first place already.
Paranoia setting in, again. I know I know, it is inevitable, especially for someone like me. If anyone out there doesn't like me or anything, please do not try to be nice to me, or try to pretend to be friendly. It hurts a lot more than just bitchslapping into my fucking face. Being a tad too oversensitive at times, I do notice what the way people communicate with me. So, if anyone out there find me too much of a controversy to be a friend, then don't be. I ain't forcnig you anyway. I don't want to live my days not knowing that one of my friends is backstabbing me the whole time. If my actions or words have hurt you or whatever, please do not feel insulted, and you can stop pretending to be my friend. It is fucked up, a lot more fucked up than my actions. I am not gonna change just because of someone who isn't gonna make a large impact in my life, and end up being someone I hate to be. So if you hate me, loathe me, or depise me, just fucking stop the pretence, cos it is cheap and cowardly.
I feel so fucking pissed off, but no one can really understand, no one. This is so fucked up, sometimes life just ain't fucking worth it. Life is a bitch, a fucking bitch.
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